Well, I got hit by a car

On one dark rainy Sunday, March 6th at 6:30 I got hit by a car. I was crossing a marked intersection and one young driver simply did not see me. I emphasize that word, simply, here. All in all, the events of that night were so intense and unexpected that my thoughts were 'simply' limited.

I have 2 distinct memories from the incident:

1. Glancing to the left, noticing car headlights turning towards me...noticing that the car is speeding up, not slowing down...realizing it's going to hit me. I think, "pause! let me remove myself from this situation- lets not let this happen!"

2. Laying on the hard, wet pavement; I can feel the rain hitting my face. I look around with only my eyeballs- I'm not sure if I can move my body. I think: "Am I alive? Can I move?"
...I see the light turn green and cars (headlights) start to drive around me. I am still frozen, I think, "why isn't anyone helping me?"

WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA!

I realized at this point that I was going to have to get myself up, no one was going to stop and help me. Hell, I worried that it'd be a hit and run at this point! I needed to stand up before the driver could make a getaway. Felt like I was squatting 200 lbs at least and I staggered towards the side of the road, motioning for the driver to pull over (obviously- you just HIT a person, what the hell are you doing SITTING there dude!). My shoes are in the other lane of traffic, passing cars are running them over, I'm trying to walk out and get them; I'm not so much concerned with the state of my $20 Target shoes as trying to get myself together.

TB Contd...

"I am standing over the ocean fifty fathoms deep, with nothing to stand on, and yet I believe that I will stand."

I heard this quote once in an Intro to Existentialism class I took my first semester at the University of Montana, I believe it's Kierkegaard or Nietzsche.

I think of it quite often actually, when I feel like everything I'm doing is speeding by and leaving me spinning in place- a dizzy frazzled mess, to the point where I literally jumble my words when speaking to people. I get home to my bare bones apartment, sit down alone, and wonder what I'm doing in this place where I once dreamed but lost, I wonder what I am working so hard for every day.

Well, I think I'm on to an answer. I've always loved love songs about love and poverty. e.g. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WNmmF9MCQc and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W05cPXpUHGI

I have come to the conclusion that I must thrive off of self-induced stress. Stress is my go-to steroid in essence, my coffee in the morning, my drug of choice, almost like my cocaine. For example, why go to work without the deeply rooted fear of homelessness- a thought that runs through my head many mornings? And since I know that this stress is mostly self-induced: taking four different work shifts in one 12 hr. day...7 days a week, etc. I am lead to the conclusion that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAaFOJuu9D0